heartbreakers and lifetakers

why do you want to meet me? what is that supposed to mean? did you forget about us all those years ago? that is not cool.

i dont know how much of my feelings and emotions and energy i've wasted all these past years on friendships that disappear once all of us go separate ways. its not like we're overseas or anything. we just work at different places, that's all. and you were the world to me at one point.

im going to be stuck with a few precious friends that have been with me all the way, and those people are the ones i'm willing to die for. but it could always be better. it could! but it's not.

blogging is supposed to be therepeutic but i think its just making me realize the problems even more acutely.

im closer to my cousin now, and its about damn time.

i want to let it all out.

it was a surprise, you deciding to meet me today. and for telling me what i already know. i thought it was going to be something much more. no harm in hoping right? the worst part is that i never got the chance to tell you. but im glad we're talking again. it was a painful 2 months when you went away.

platoon sergeant david.

i want to let it all out.

...

I held it in. i didnt tell you. and now i think you're gone.

all the things we regret the most are the things we think we'd never do because they're so ridiculous, but they happen anyway. shit.

where did you go, really?

one more week to pop. good times, good times. im going to miss my first batch.

confinement

sometimes i just want to tell you my feelings for you so that i can get it out of my system, because i already know the answer to the situation. but you act so confusingly that i dont know if i should or not. you brought me through the toughest times in army and now i dont know what happened. and so i turn to others to give me the momentary satisfaction and comfort that you couldnt provide at the moment. and then i feel miserable because my feelings become divided. everyone else seems to have the easy way out except me.

i feel im missing something. i need something more to look forward to everyday when i wake up. everyday when i wake up i feel like there's nothing really worth it to live for. its so superficial and its a problem but i just dont feel like changing because its easier to remain like that. that's my problem.

i have duty on my birthday. what?

looking up

seb started blogging again, and i realized that maybe i should too. this period in life will probably be one of the most important in my life, and i should make some effort to remember it. and right now, i feel pretty terrible.

i hate this year, and the year before. life has been shit ever since school ended and army started. all the people i care about have left, or have broken contact with me. things are not what they used to be. everytime im alone, i think about them, about the times we used to have together, and what could've been. i dont do so well with new people, espeically my recruits or the commanders in the company i got posted to. now, i like spending time by myself, because i feel at peace and undisturbed, and its when i can wallow within my own thoughts. i hate being interrupted when im in the middle of that, and so i ignore them, and some people mistake that as me being rude. it may be, but they're still disturbing me.

when im alone, i'll naturally find myself trying to churn up and recall the sadness within myself just to feel the self pity. i would just automatically remember all the sadness and people who have wronged or hurt me mentally, emotionally or psychologically, and the events related to it. when i recall all the hurt, the anger it caused, i just keep dwelling on it, and the thoughts that result from it are either very scary or very depressing.

my father says he never sees me smile anymore, unlike how i used to when i was a child. some of my friends said that when im walking alone, i always seem to look super pissed or something. when im on the mrt, looking into the reflective glass, im surprised to find that my normal face is that of an angry person. i shouldnt be surprised, but i am. i guess that's normal progression.

ever since i met you, you've been controlling me in ways you never imagined.