sometimes i just want to tell you my feelings for you so that i can get it out of my system, because i already know the answer to the situation. but you act so confusingly that i dont know if i should or not. you brought me through the toughest times in army and now i dont know what happened. and so i turn to others to give me the momentary satisfaction and comfort that you couldnt provide at the moment. and then i feel miserable because my feelings become divided. everyone else seems to have the easy way out except me.
i feel im missing something. i need something more to look forward to everyday when i wake up. everyday when i wake up i feel like there's nothing really worth it to live for. its so superficial and its a problem but i just dont feel like changing because its easier to remain like that. that's my problem.
i have duty on my birthday. what?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
looking up
seb started blogging again, and i realized that maybe i should too. this period in life will probably be one of the most important in my life, and i should make some effort to remember it. and right now, i feel pretty terrible.
i hate this year, and the year before. life has been shit ever since school ended and army started. all the people i care about have left, or have broken contact with me. things are not what they used to be. everytime im alone, i think about them, about the times we used to have together, and what could've been. i dont do so well with new people, espeically my recruits or the commanders in the company i got posted to. now, i like spending time by myself, because i feel at peace and undisturbed, and its when i can wallow within my own thoughts. i hate being interrupted when im in the middle of that, and so i ignore them, and some people mistake that as me being rude. it may be, but they're still disturbing me.
when im alone, i'll naturally find myself trying to churn up and recall the sadness within myself just to feel the self pity. i would just automatically remember all the sadness and people who have wronged or hurt me mentally, emotionally or psychologically, and the events related to it. when i recall all the hurt, the anger it caused, i just keep dwelling on it, and the thoughts that result from it are either very scary or very depressing.
my father says he never sees me smile anymore, unlike how i used to when i was a child. some of my friends said that when im walking alone, i always seem to look super pissed or something. when im on the mrt, looking into the reflective glass, im surprised to find that my normal face is that of an angry person. i shouldnt be surprised, but i am. i guess that's normal progression.
ever since i met you, you've been controlling me in ways you never imagined.
i hate this year, and the year before. life has been shit ever since school ended and army started. all the people i care about have left, or have broken contact with me. things are not what they used to be. everytime im alone, i think about them, about the times we used to have together, and what could've been. i dont do so well with new people, espeically my recruits or the commanders in the company i got posted to. now, i like spending time by myself, because i feel at peace and undisturbed, and its when i can wallow within my own thoughts. i hate being interrupted when im in the middle of that, and so i ignore them, and some people mistake that as me being rude. it may be, but they're still disturbing me.
when im alone, i'll naturally find myself trying to churn up and recall the sadness within myself just to feel the self pity. i would just automatically remember all the sadness and people who have wronged or hurt me mentally, emotionally or psychologically, and the events related to it. when i recall all the hurt, the anger it caused, i just keep dwelling on it, and the thoughts that result from it are either very scary or very depressing.
my father says he never sees me smile anymore, unlike how i used to when i was a child. some of my friends said that when im walking alone, i always seem to look super pissed or something. when im on the mrt, looking into the reflective glass, im surprised to find that my normal face is that of an angry person. i shouldnt be surprised, but i am. i guess that's normal progression.
ever since i met you, you've been controlling me in ways you never imagined.
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