seb started blogging again, and i realized that maybe i should too. this period in life will probably be one of the most important in my life, and i should make some effort to remember it. and right now, i feel pretty terrible.
i hate this year, and the year before. life has been shit ever since school ended and army started. all the people i care about have left, or have broken contact with me. things are not what they used to be. everytime im alone, i think about them, about the times we used to have together, and what could've been. i dont do so well with new people, espeically my recruits or the commanders in the company i got posted to. now, i like spending time by myself, because i feel at peace and undisturbed, and its when i can wallow within my own thoughts. i hate being interrupted when im in the middle of that, and so i ignore them, and some people mistake that as me being rude. it may be, but they're still disturbing me.
when im alone, i'll naturally find myself trying to churn up and recall the sadness within myself just to feel the self pity. i would just automatically remember all the sadness and people who have wronged or hurt me mentally, emotionally or psychologically, and the events related to it. when i recall all the hurt, the anger it caused, i just keep dwelling on it, and the thoughts that result from it are either very scary or very depressing.
my father says he never sees me smile anymore, unlike how i used to when i was a child. some of my friends said that when im walking alone, i always seem to look super pissed or something. when im on the mrt, looking into the reflective glass, im surprised to find that my normal face is that of an angry person. i shouldnt be surprised, but i am. i guess that's normal progression.
ever since i met you, you've been controlling me in ways you never imagined.
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